My heart bleeded, girl

Yesterday was seven years since my mom died. It seems like such a long time ago. And whoa, what a surreal weekend that was. It's been a while, and I know I already said thank you, but I was thinking this morning how grateful I was to silveryscrape, hammerhead22, coolwhipdiva, alittleblue and tangeriner for helping me get through that weekend. Steph, ♥

You guys who knew me back then know how guilty I felt about not being there. And maybe I've rationalized the hell out of it, but I've finally found some peace with that, finally realized that I don't think she wanted me there. I don't think she wanted me to see that. And I also finally realized that there's part of me that's glad I wasn't there, that I didn't want to see it happen any more than she wanted me to.

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So, anyway, tl;dr is that I still can't listen to "I Will."

*sigh* But I also can't go back and change things, so....It's certainly possible there was an element of denial on both our parts. She was the Queen of it, after all, especially when it came to her health.

I was also thinking about how there's a reason we tell family stories over and over. After someone has been gone awhile, things start to slip away. I can barely remember my mom's voice. Larry says he can, but it's like this echo around the edges of my brain, and I can't grab hold of it. She was my best friend for my whole life and it feels like all I have left are glimpses and flashes of memories.

I also realize that not everybody is lucky enough to have the kind of relationship with their mothers that I had with mine, or that they lost their mothers way too early. Not everyone's mother is their best friend. I can count on one hand the number of disagreements we had over the course of my life. And so I'm very grateful for what I had with her, and even though she died way sooner than anyone wanted, I was still lucky to have her.

Cookies if you read all that. Bottom line is I loved her and I miss her.

It was awesome as always to see Mitch Pileggi on Leverage. He looked good, but he wasn't in it nearly enough.

And now I'm watching The Franchise on Showtime, for which I blame frausorge and synchronik.

I think it's a combination of thinking about Mom today, and working so hard on a 43,000 word story that explores John Winchester's parenting, but I clicked on a story this afternoon which featured a drunk and abusive John, and it really annoyed me. Like, a lot. And don't even get me started on the martyr!Dean also featured. That just strikes me as so alien to how I see things, and it's not a portrayal I'm fond of.