My heart bleeded, girl

So, it's been quite the weekend around these parts, hasn't it?

I've learned two things from all this, one of which I already knew but it's been reinforced, and one of which caused me to rethink my position on anonymity.

Firstly, and I'm not directing this to people who were quick to follow their natural inclination to defend a friend: it's always best to know what the hell you're talking about before you open your mouth.

I didn't have thenyxie friended. The SPN people on my flist are generally people I knew in popslash and who I've known for years. That's mostly because I’m too lazy to deal with overcoming my issues with friending people I don't know, but my friending issues aren't really the point here.

The point is, I read around the fandom, and even I was vaguely aware that something untoward had gone down in Baltimore two years ago, although I had no idea what. But when things hit the fan this weekend, it didn't take a lot of effort to find out what happened.

So why were there so many posts and comments saying "I have no idea what's going on, but here's my opinion anyway"?

Or posts and comments where people have the facts wrong, or out of order, or incomplete, and they write whole rants about shit they're just pulling out of their asses?

I mean, really? I found that to be puzzling, then annoying, and then enraging.

The thing about anonymity is that I don't like it. But I realized that what I don't like are anonymous memes where people take the opportunity to talk smack about their fellow fans without repercussions.

I don't like anonymous love memes any more than hate memes, because it's just asking for trouble.

But apparently, anonymous *comms* are not memes and can serve a purpose for something other than people who don't think they get enough attention bitching about perceived BNFs, which is just pointless, repetitive and boring.

I spent a lot of time at the anonymous comm in question this weekend, and while I certainly saw some BNF-bashing, mostly I saw sane, compassionate, passionate, thoughtful, insightful coverage of the situation.

I know when I saw thenyxie's first post, my immediate reaction was *anonymous hate meme, ugh*, and I'm guessing that's what prompted a great deal of the support she initially received, although I found that first post to be intemperate at best, offensive and way over the top at worst.

But anonymity has a place, especially in a situation like this, and I won't be so quick to dismiss what is said under its protection next time.





1) I've been very lucky in my life, in that I have never found myself in the presence of a rapist. I've never been sexually harassed, and have really only heard a handful of inappropriate things said to me over the years.

Except for one instance. When I was in the eighth grade, I spent the night with my best friend. She lived across the street from me, in an old farm house. I spent a lot of time over the years in that house. All the bedrooms were upstairs except for Barb's, which was downstairs next to the kitchen.

I was in her bed, and she was on the floor in a sleeping bag. We weren't asleep yet, when her father came in. He sat down on the bed and started some conversation, I have no memory of what. He leaned over and put his hands on my legs, reaching under the covers to stroke my thigh. He also got closer and tried to kiss me.

I asked Barb to turn on the light so I could find my glasses, and as she did, her father stood up, said goodnight, and left the room. I told Barb what happened and said I wanted to go home.

She was embarrassed, and told me I'd be safe if I stayed, but there was no way I was doing that. So I went home, knocked on the door, and my mom let me in. She and my stepdad were still up, and I told them why I came home.

They were shocked and appalled, but that was it. I think I expected them to do…something. My stepdad is a blustery guy, never one to suffer fools gladly, and I wanted him to go across the street right then and punch the guy out, or yell at him, confront him in some way. But they didn't. That was just the end of it. I never asked them why, it never really came up.

So, I told, I was believed, but no one wanted to make trouble, I guess. I went back to Barb's the next day, and her mom asked my why I left. I told her I didn't feel well. She was a little annoyed, I think, but I don't remember it clearly. I have no idea if she suspected.

But that was the end of it, and Barb and I never talked about it again. It took me years to even wonder if he was doing that to her, or her sisters. He was high school football coach, so he was around a lot of kids. One of her sisters was very well-endowed and dealt constantly with that high school ethos of big boobs = slut. I wonder what she dealt with at home?

It always struck me as weird that the whole thing was no big deal. It was also a very long time ago, when people didn't talk about these things.

2) Let's talk about Elizabeth Hasselbeck. I don't watch the View, and even less do I pay attention to her screeds, but wow, last week, she said some terrible things about Erin Andrews, things straight from rape culture, victim-blaming, and magical thinking. Here

(If you don't watch Dancing, Erin Andrews is an ESPN correspondent who has had a stalker, a guy who filmed her naked through the peephole in a hotel room door. EH, who is an idiot, thinks that because of that, EA should wear more modest clothing on DWtS. Because that show is all about the modest costumes, for both males and females.)

Actually, the article I linked to says it better than I could. I'm just saying, it's one more example of victim-blaming.

3) Ben Roethlisberger. SI article here. Quick recap – There have been two sexual assault charges brought against Ben recently. The first one is a civil case stemming from a 2008 incident in Nevada, the second one is something that happened in Georgia a couple of months ago. The victim went to the cops, (one of which discouraged her from doing so and said "I hate that women can do this" and is no longer employed as a police officer), there was an investigation and in the end, no charges were filed.

Contrary to what some people think, the city of Pittsburgh and Steeler Nation are not rallying behind Ben. Before the NFL draft, 38% of people here thought he should be traded. No one is upset that he is suspended for six games, without pay. People here don't tolerate actual bad behavior, and Ben is now known as, in the 'Burgh vernacular, a jag-off. We care about football, yes, and Ben has won two Superbowls for us, but thank god, there is a line. People around here are mostly angry and disgusted.

Interesting thing about the Sports Illustrated article, it's in the same issue as an article about Sidney Crosby. Now I know some people don't like Sid, although I don't know why, unless it's because putting a microphone in his face creates such a soporific effect, but the thing about Sid is, he's a star without acting like an ass. (Insider 'Burgh joke – Lois says Ben should have lived with Mario Lemieux when he first arrived here, then he'd be okay.)

But even though people who have encountered Ben out and about in Pittsburgh have only bad things to say about his assholish behavior, and even though the motorcycle accident made him look like an idiot, (and I have Larry's account from that time that he's an asshole, which I think I can say without violating HIPAA), after the first allegation, there was an awful lot of well, that woman is crazy, she only wants money, why didn't she report it when it happened, she's just a groupie who changed her mind talk around town. As if putting yourself through a civil court case, exposing yourself to all sorts of things said about you, is an excellent way to make a couple hundred thousand dollars. And because she allegedly reported it to her employers first, and not the cops, even though Harrah's allegedly told her not to make trouble for someone as important as Ben, she must be making it all up.

It wasn't until the second incident that people were willing to accept that Ben might just be a sexual predator, or at the very least, the worst example of an entitled athlete.

So, I'm proud of Pittsburgh for putting human decency before sports, and I know the Rooney's (the Steelers' owners) wouldn't have it any other way, but it took a pattern of behavior on Ben's part to get there.

(The other thing I find interesting about the SI article is that is talks about Ben in high school, but completely ignores college. I'm wondering why. Ash works at Miami of Ohio, where Ben went to school, and she says the impression she gets around town is "yeah, that's Ben all right.")

4) This is the big one, the one that made me realize how rape culture affects everyone, even when you don't know it. This is something that happened in November of last year, and I haven't really been able to talk about it because it upset me so much. I still end up in tears whenever I think about it.

Lois and I were driving to Tennessee to see Chris, and we stopped at a rest stop in West Virginia. As we were pulling out, a black man started waving at us, wanting us to stop. I did, and rolled down the window to see what he wanted.

His car had broken down, and he had called a tow truck, which was already there. But, apparently BMWs have some sort of magical tow thingy that is the only way you can connect them to a tow hook, and he didn't have one in his trunk.

He was very excited at seeing someone else with a BMW at the rest stop, and wanted to use my tow hook thingy. I have no idea if once you're attached to the truck you don't need the thing anymore and he could have given it back to me, I have no idea if he'd thought that far ahead, I still don't know if I even have one, because I haven't looked, I just know he was overjoyed to find someone he thought could help.

It was the middle of the day, I wasn't alone in the car, there were people all around, and the tow truck driver was right there. It was perfectly safe.

And I was completely paralyzed by the fact that a man I didn't know wanted me to get out of my car and dig around in my trunk at a rest stop. I couldn't think beyond that. (By the time I stopped for him, I was at the entrance to the exit ramp and there was another car behind me who would have had to back up if I had agreed to help, but I think that's mostly an excuse on my part.)

So I said no. And I know what he thought. I'm sure he thought it was racial. And I will never forget the look on his face when he realized that I wasn't going to help him. I've never seen someone's expression close down like that before, and I can still see it, and I'm in tears just typing this.

And because rape culture is so ingrained, because I knew if I had gotten out of the car to help him and something bad had happened it would have been my fault, what was she thinking? because Lois would have had a heart attack because she was thinking the same thing, because I couldn't see past any of that, I hurt someone that day. And that really sucks so hard.

And I don't need anyone to tell me it wasn't my fault, or better safe than sorry. You didn't see his face, Lois, who thought I was overreacting when I had trouble letting it go, didn’t see his face. I saw the joy change to resignation, I saw the defeat when he said "Fine" and backed away. And I did that, because we're taught to be afraid, and that sucks, so much.